Procrastination and Freedom

So I find this blog entry a bit humorous because it is about procrastination and I have been procrastinating about writing for a while now. I am the queen of procrastination, but I know I don't reign alone, which is why this is making it into my blog. Those of you that are blessed with the beautiful skills of time management and organization.... good for you (that is non sarcastic btw). I have yet to master the skills, but it is on my to-do list... assuming I will ever bother to work on my to-do list. Anyway, here are my thoughts on procrastination.

In short, it's evil. I say this because it is the robber of freedom and progression. Two of the few basic rewards we get in this life which brings us true joy. I find myself frequently joyless because of the evil one (procrastination). This week has been my own personal hell because I wasn't on top of it almost the entirety of the semester and now it is almost over. I am having to go into double, no triple+ over time to pull myself out of a really bad situation. And let me tell you. It is not pretty. Not for me or anyone around me. Frankly, I just want to bury my head in the sand. But I know that is only going to perpetuate the problem even further. I try and motivate myself to just get things done, but inevitably I find myself sitting, doing nothing, when I could be doing something. I know that I can't do everything all a once, but I would like to get to a point where if there is something simple to do-- to just do it. If it is something more long term. for example a school project or a life change to work out a plan and schedule as soon as possible.

I have to admit that I am getting a little better. I will be starting my winter break. I have big plans for that 3 weeks. For one I am going to be doing a lot more self care. I know that I need that. That means more recovery meetings. I trip or two to the temple. Lot's of writing and working out. I also want to try and get more organized. I'm not sure how I am going to do that yet. I think I am going to start with sorting and purging. Then I want to put some time into coming up with a system that works for me. I know that I have to do my homework with little to no distraction, so I need to set up some kind of study in the bedroom. I have determined that it is the least popular room in the house. This means that it is optimal for studying. I think this is a good starting spot.

One of the things that I am learning in recovery is the strength in baby steps. I am a "I need to do everything right now and perfect" sort of person. You know what? That has gotten me no where. The only thing I have accomplished with that attitude is disappointing and frustrating myself. Baby steps is where it is at. One day at a time, one moment at a time. That is where the magic happens. I am so lucky to be truly implementing that into my life now at the tender age of 26.

~Namaste~

*If you are interested in learning more about the 12-step program you can send me an email at adiposewarfare@gmail.com and I will provide you with the information. :-)

Namaste

You may have noticed that I end most of my entries with the word 'Namaste.' Some of you may not know that the heck that means. I am copying and pasting a explanation that I feel represents my understanding of it. This is from the Living Words of Wisdom website.


The definition of Namaste (pronounced na, ma, stay) is both a physical gesture and a spoken spiritual salutation, which is the recognition of the divine spirit (or soul) in another by the divine spirit in you.
The word Namaste translates simply to “I bow to the divine in you.”

Namaste Gesture
The acknowledgement of spirit to spirit is represented by placing the hands together in front of your third eye (Third Eye Chakra) and bowing your head then bringing your hands down in front of your heart (Heart Chakra).
Performing both the Namaste gesture and saying the word Namaste at the same time can be done when greeting someone, however, in India the gesture alone means Namaste, so it is not necessary to say the word.
Namaste in Meditation
Namaste can also be used at the beginning of your meditation to help you go deeper into your divine heart center. By bringing the hands together at the heart chakra you access the flow of divine love and by bowing your head and closing your eyes the mind will more easily let go to the divine spirit of your heart.
Seeing Others
Seeing others through the definition of Namaste will help you to see the true divine spirit in everyone. By doing so you are literally meeting them at the soul level. You look beyond the surface into the true nature of every being.
There a many other interpretations of the meaning of Namaste here are a few:

The God/Goddess within me acknowledges the God/Goddess within you.
The Divine in me recognizes and honors, the Divine in you.
The spirit within me bows to the spirit within you.
I greet that place where you and I are one.
I honor the place in you which is of love, of truth, of light and of peace.

No matter which interpretation you choose you should think of it as a divine blessing that honors sacredness and equality in everyone.


I hope you found this informative and helpful.

I honor the place in you which is of love, of truth, of light and of peace~Namaste

Grace

Lovely Song. I strongly relate to it.
Grace by: Laura Story

Reflection

Portrait of me taken by Randy Wentzel

Recovery and clarity are closely bound. Here I am three days into abstinence, and many of the struggles from my past are surfacing. Previously I would medicate myself with food. It fogged my mind in such a way that I thought my sadness was a result of my overeating, my own laziness and other people's actions. I hate feeling sorry for myself, and I hate other people feeling sorry for me even more. So distractions have been my favorite tool for coping.

I was a victim of some pretty awful events. Because those things happened to me, it has endowed me with the ability to empathise with others who have suffered. As I gain my education, prepare for my potential career as a social worker, I know that I will be able to relate, and reach people that others can't. I am relatively weak right now. I have just enough strength to ask help. I am insecure. I am ashamed with how I look, what I say and how I act. I am constantly concerned with what others think of me. That's where I am right now. But I know, rather I trust that I wont be here forever. I need to avoid object obscurity with my Heavenly Father. I need to avoid things that bring me down, and feast on things that bring me up.

Namaste

* If you are interested in learning more about the 12-step program you can send me an email at adiposewarfare@gmail.com and I will provide you with the information. :-)

Randy Wentzel's website

Fear Blocks the Flow, Let it Go

So I went to my second meeting today. I can't believe it, but I got a sponsor. I almost want to cry for joy at my blessing of getting a sponsor so soon. I will also be ordering my book on codependency soon. Everything is getting lined up. I must admit, I am so uncomfortable about this life change. But I know if I trust the *program, pray for strength, and TAKE IT ONE DAY AT A TIME that I can get what I need from it. That is so hard for me. I think it is going to be one of my greatest hurtles, taking it one day at a time. I am already starting to think about weight loss, wanting it to come off fast. Trying to plan months in advance. But that is where I lose control. I get so overwhelmed. I need to remember that am not going to find happiness through being thin, I will find happiness by gaining control of my life through letting go.
Trust.

Namaste 

* If you are interested in learning more about the 12-step program you can send me an email at adiposewarfare@gmail.com and I will provide you with the information. :-)

Happiness through 12 Steps

Today I returned to my first *12 step recovery meeting for food addiction in over a year. I know that I belong there. I could relate to the story the speaker told so much. She expressed that she never really got very heavy, yet she knew that she had a food addiction. She also talked about her depression, her needing to control, and her anger issues. As I was listening to her I was thinking the whole time, "yes, yes, yes."

I couldn't bring myself to stand when it was time to introduce myself as a returning. However, the group was small so everyone knew that I was new. At the break I was greeted by a few of the ladies that were there. They were so kind and encouraging. I felt loved and these people, and they didn't even know me. It was such a positive feeling. I don't think that it was a coincidence that the speaker today had a story so similar to mine. I think that was God stepping in and saying, "Pamela, you need this. It is my gift to you that you know about it."

Currently I feel like I am drowning in sadness and lethargy. Yesterday my husband Jeff told me that he thinks I really need the help offered by the program. He said that I had more energy, motivation, and just seemed altogether more collected. I know he is right. I know that sugar fogs my mind. I remember after the initial detox with the program  my thoughts were crisp, I slept well, I was more put together. I am a drug addict, and my drug of choice is sugar. The thought of committing to the program really terrifies me. It is such a huge life change. But the thought of living depressed and addicted to food for the rest of my life terrifies me even more, which I think got me in the door. I know that the program is not the end all to my sadness. I know there are other life changes that I need to make. Some I have indicated on here already. But I think that this program will be the key to me being able to move forward and make the other changes necessary in my life.


Namaste

*If you are interested in learning more about the 12-step program you can send me an email at adiposewarfare@gmail.com and I will provide you with the information. :-)

Happiness in Service

I have everything lined up to start my volunteer work with the YMCA ASES program and with Project Access. It is really nice to be working with non profit organizations. It is also fulfilling to not work for money.

I would be lying if I said that I wasn't getting anything out of it. I am gaining a lot of benefits  First, it looks good on a resume. Second, I feel good helping others. It has been scientifically proven that service helps people feel happier. So this is a tool that I am using to gain a greater sense of happiness.

I honestly hope that I can make a differences in the lives of the people that am going to be involved with. I really don't want to receive any extra praise for it. As I stated in a earlier post praise is like a drug for me. I really don't want to do this service to look good. That has never been my conscious intention. I think that I may need to check myself every so often to insure that my reasons for doing the volunteer work are still pure. These people could use help, and I can offer it to them. It's that simple.

Namaste

Volunteer Match website
Project Access

Effort and Ease

So this morning I was running late for my yoga class at college. I was briskly walking across campus when my ankle rolled and I hit the ground. Thankfully there as another student, this guy, who quickly came over to help me. I suppressed my inner dialog of pure embarrassment, and tried to replace it with gratitude for his willingness to help me. I was basically okay, I scraped and banged up my left knee pretty bad. But I brushed the dirt off my yoga pants, thanked the good Samaritan and continued to class. Thinking all the time, "How am I supposed to do yoga with this knee?" But I had to go because I had used up all my absences for the semester. If I missed just one more class, my grade would drop from an A to a B.

As I limped into class I saw that we had a substitute. I was immediately uncomfortable. As unrestrained as I may seem at times, I am actually very shy. I get very attached to the people that I am familiar with. But again, I tried to check my inner negative dialog and see it as an opportunity to gain a different perspective in yoga. Her mannerisms came across as much more formal than my usual yoga instructor, again putting me on my guard. As we began the practice she kept mentioning find the balance between effort and ease. And then a thought happened upon me like a gradual sunrise. This needs to be my new mantra. This needs to replace: "I need to be better than everyone, or else I am a total looser." It seems obvious, but I didn't know what to replace my current inner dialog with. I knew it needed to be replaced or else I would find it had made its way back into the crevasses of my mind.

I am not unfamiliar with this concept. My father was basically my spiritual guide growing up and he was a huge upholder of yin and yang. I can remember him discussing the importance of balance with me. I don't think I ever really understood.

As I embraced the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints in my young adult years, years after my dad had passed away from cancer, balance was lost on me even more. The problem with Christianity is followers often interpret: be the best that you can and work hard, with you are never good enough. The harder you work, the closer you get to perfection. But that perception is wrong. The gospel of Jesus Christ is not intended to be there as a means to make people feel guilty, it is a means of comfort. A means to better understanding how to find the balance between effort and ease. A scriptural example of that is the story of Mary and Martha in Luke 10:39-42. We find that Mary understood what the gospel is all about, while Martha, working like a busy bee, trying to insure everything was taken care of missed the point a bit. I'm usually a Martha. I need to find my way to becoming a Mary.


Namaste

Interesting Link bellow
Philosophy and Theory of Yin and Yang

My Divorce With the Scale

I have made a decision. I am divorcing the scale. I no longer want to measure my happiness, worth, or success based on a number on the scale. I hereby refuse to weigh myself. This may prove to be difficult as I transition back into the *12-step program for food addiction, but I must learn to stand my ground. I will not weigh myself. I must learn to trust that if I am eating healthy and I am active then I will be the weight that I am intended to be, and whatever that weight is, it's perfect. <3

Namaste

* If you are interested in learning more about the 12-step program you can send me an email at adiposewarfare@gmail.com and I will provide you with the information you need. :-)

The Happy Movie

This movie changed my life. Find the time to watch it if you struggle with finding happiness. 

Personal Space Invader

Boundaries, they are lost of me. I have never developed the skills to use them properly. I don't know how to set boundaries for myself. I don't know how to set boundaries for other people. Where to start, where to start? Let's start with boundaries with myself.

I want to be the best at everything. I am extremely prideful. I have an inner dialog, a mantra as it where: " I need to be the best at everything, or I am a total and complete looser." Of course I can't be the best at everything, so in effect I let myself down a lot. This mantra has lead me to be very successful in my educational career. I have managed to maintain a 3.51 GPA while taking far more units then I should. To me, in the past, an A was the only acceptable grade. B's were tolerable so long as the class was known to be extremely difficult, and C's.... well they sent me down to the depths of depression. Only recently have I accepted that lower grades are okay if the alternative is insanity. But it's not just school that my ultra competitive side rears its ugly face. It is in every aspect of my life. I have to be the nicest. I have to be the smartest. I have to be the most dependable. I have to be the prettiest. I have to be the funniest. I have to be the most contemplative. The list goes on and on. I have fantasies of people giving me public praise spewing all the wonderful things I have done. Then I become sad that it rarely actually happens. Praise is a drug. I love it and I can never get enough. I don't know how to be content. I don't know how to do my personal best with out bringing out the mental whips. To me it is not my personal best until I have pushed myself past the point of comfort. No pain, no gain. This has lead me down the path of total burn out.

It is not difficult to see how I likely respond to others given what I have just said. It is either hot or cold. I an either all yes or all no. I don't know how to speak up for myself. I was taught that it was rude to say no. So my alternative is to become a total recluse. I don't like being around people. In fact, I hate it. The reason being, I always feel like I have to be the best person in their life at that moment. That is a lot of pressure, so it is usually much easier for me to avoid people all together because I hate that feeling of needed to please. I know it is unhealthy. But I don't know how to change it. So I avoid it. Yeah, yeah, I know that is co-dependence. But it is the ONLY way that I know how to see the world. My mother is a co-dependent, and she passed on the thought process to me through her constant example. Ah yes, I have mommy issues too. But if I begin to talk about that I would be opening a Pandora's box, and frankly I just don't want to go there right now. (<-- Look there is a boundary) My goal is to just lay everything about me on the table and sort through it. And I need a book. I don't know what that book might be, but I need it.

Namaste

On Real Beauty

I Hope you can enjoy this video. I need it as a reminder, as it is one of the few things in the media that I have come across that has helped me to see my own beauty and helped me feel good about myself.

 

 

<3

 

 

Fat Girl Syndrome

I am a food addict, whatever that means. My weight has yoyo'd for years. That strategy has kept me from obesity, but I have never been able to maintain a healthy weight without obsessing about food. I've done Weight Watchers. Through Weight Watchers I went from my peak weight of 180 pounds to my lowest adult weight of 135 pounds, and man did I look good. I have also been involved with a *12-step recovery program for food addiction. It is basically AA for food. I turned away the 12 step program over a year ago after about a month in, with no fault to the program. I just wasn't ready for it. I have decided to enter back into it soon, when I am ready. I know it is a tool to my being happy.

Here I am currently hanging at about 155 pounds with my 5'4" medium frame.

But weight loss is not what this blog is going to be about. This is my journey to zen. I hide behind my quirkiness. But I am a very, very sad person. I am very lost. And I am very insecure. Oh my gosh! Did I just admit that out loud? I am a prisoner of my own mind. Truly, I am a caged, dying bird. I can't live like this anymore. This journey is not going to be pretty. Birth never is. I must admit, I hope that weight loss accompanies this journey, but what is more important is that I learn to see myself as beautiful, that I learn to love myself, and with that learn to cherish my body.

My Eventual Goals:

• Cut flour, refined added sugar, and a lot of meat out of my diet.
• Learn to journal about my feelings
• Find my inner clam
• Be content with my personal best
• Develop a closer and constant relationship with God
• Trust the Lord
• Become more organized and proactive
• Getting my black belt in karate
• Do yoga every morning to center
• Notice the little blessings and beauties
• LOVE MYSELF, LOVE ALL PEOPLE, LOVE LIFE

It may take a lifetime to achieve these goals. But I plan to move inch by inch, day by day in the right direction. And I pray that I become comfortable with the idea of positive failure.



Namaste

* If you are interested in learning more about the 12-step program you can send me an email at adiposewarfare@gmail.com and I will provide you with the information you need. :-)